


A Book in Life

by rivaillepls



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Miscarriage, female eren - Freeform, kind of a personal experience I went through, ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 11:56:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rivaillepls/pseuds/rivaillepls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm not good at summaries, so I don't think I can actually describe this fic..</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Book in Life

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter will only be a letter; well a prologue of the sorts, but the second chapter will be how they met and so forth. So please excuse any spelling errors you might find since this is unbeta’d.  
> ...I also don't know how to do html so please forgive me if it's not in "letter format".

To my beloved unborn child,

My fingers are numb as I write this heartbreaking letter to you, something you’ll never have a chance of reading. By now, I should be used to the word “miscarriage” but lastly I am not. Every time I pass a pregnant woman on the street or see a mother pushing her newborn infant in the stroller, my heart burns with jealousy and envy because I’m near my due date when you should have been arriving soon.  
I should be feeling joyous and happy for friends that are announcing their blessed news and smile when they ask how I’m feeling. 

But truth be told, I’m nowhere feeling these emotions.

Four months ago, I lost you. You were only 22 weeks old, and we had just found out you were going to be daddy’s little girl. Something we both looked forward to, especially your daddy because he was excitedly trying to decide which colors to paint your new room and what outfits he wanted you to wear on your first day home.

Once you were 20 weeks, we decided it was safe to announce the news to our family and friends, thinking we were in the clear, since the genetic tests came out clear. We thought it was safe. I was so wrong…

Daddy and I walked into the Trost clinic for a schedule ultrasound and I could tell immediately something was wrong. As soon as the technician tried to find your heartbeat (which was found one week earlier), her face and body language said it all…you died. My baby died,  
My beloved, special baby died inside of me and all I could do was scream like a wounded animal. Daddy tried to console me while the nurses attempted to soothe my sounds of grief. The doctors tried to explain that sometimes miscarriages “just happen”. I revisit that horrific moment many times a day and go to sleep praying that I will wake up and this will simply be a nightmare. You should be arriving soon…..

Weakened by exhaustion and utter despair, I opted for a late D&C. Even trying to find a doctor that would perform the surgery was nearly impossible. The thought of delivering you stillborn was too tough to bear, so surgery was my choice. Recovery was equally hard, as my body and mind still thought I was pregnant while my heart continued to shatter in pieces. My heart is still aching…..

The winter months were dark and gray, though friends and family surrounded me with love and hope.

To my surprise, friends started sharing their miscarriage stories one by one, hoping to give me some kind of courage. Some went through MANY losses and triumphed with successful pregnancies later on. A few went down the adoption route. One decided to take a different path in life, and opted out of motherhood altogether. Hearing these words made me feel like I was not so alone, though the grief is mine…. and mine alone. At times I wish you were here…..just to feel you in my arms.

I should be putting the crib together and making space in the closet for your clothes. I should be shopping for a new stroller, car seat, baby bottles and carriers. I should be preparing for little sleep, late night feedings and breastfeeding. I should be pondering our future family of three, with aunts and uncles ready to greet you to the world, and show you what a wonderful place we live in. I should be sharing my joy with friends and family. I should be scouring the books and internet for your perfect name.

Yet, I am left alone with grief and fighting the demons of losing you over and over again, my beloved child.

I keep hearing that it simply takes time. How can time take away this aching pain of never experiencing life with you? How can I recover from this deep and utter loss, when all I want to do is hold you and shower you with love? From the bottom of my feet to the tip of my head, I love you (or should I say, “I loved you”?).

Day by day, I move a little closer to recovery…. though I know life will never be the same. I just hope someday I will get to meet you and finally get to hold you in my arms.

Love,

Momma

 

Eren sobbed softly as she sealed the letter and kissed it, her tears flowed gently and splattered onto the envelop. Her fingers trembled as she put the letter into a box filled with the ultrasounds, memories of her happiest moments that she never would get to experience.  
“I miss you my sweet angel.”


End file.
